What A Bang Up Job
by Uchiha Undead
Summary: This is just a fun one-shot featuring Kisame and Darui in a love triangle with an OC. Warning, both characters are Out Of Character. OOC.


**Disclaimer: This was a friend of mine's: Twinkie216. She didn't want it anymore, but I thought it was a cute oneshot, so I took it. You should look her up, she's pretty cool! And yes, I have permission, you ridiculous fans. I personally think there needs to be at least _ONE_ Darui & Kisame fanfiction out there. Also, I don't own Naruto, if I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction about it. **

**Anyway...Enjoy!**

I gasped as Kisame grabbed my shoulders, and pulled me to his chest. "No," he growled. "she's mine." His hands gripped my shoulders harshly, and it took a lot in me to not scream in pain. Why was he being so rough towards _me_? I was a delicate object! How dare he!

Darui's eyes widened and then he spat at Kisame's feet. The silly boy glared at the older man. "She came to me, not you, stupid criminal."

"That doesn't matter," Kisame retorted, ignoring Darui's insult.

Darui's pearl white hair glistened in the moonlight, as well as his big eyes. We were surrounded by forest, but that's not really important. What's important here is me and honestly, I didn't see why they weren't really fighting over me. So far it was almost as if I was a mere possession that two kids at a toy story wanted. How rude. Didn't they know I was human?

If they really wanted to fight over me, they'd fight to the death, or something else romantic and tragic. Not whatever the hell this is.

Kisame pushed me behind him and then slapped Darui away. "Mine, you spoiled brat!"

"She's mine because I saw her first," Darui snapped, trying to walk around the older man, but Kisame pushed him back again.

"Touch what's mine and I'll bite your hands off, got it?" Kisame growled.

I let out a long, "Awwww. You guys are so sweet." But I was ignored. Assholes.

"Touch me, and you die," Darui threatened. Though, to me that threat seemed pretty empty considering Kisame had just pushed him away a couple times. Darui then looked at me, his eyes meeting mine. "I'm so sorry that I let this happen, Kashiki."

"Don't fill her with your bull," Kisame snapped. A growl erupted from his throat. "She's mine, and what's mine doesn't talk to pests like you." Kisame glanced behind himself at me, almost as if warning me not to say something, or else. But it wasn't like I was going to listen to him. Screw him. This was about me. Without me, we all wouldn't be here.

As if I'd listen under any circumstances, anyway. Pshhh.

"You must be more animal than human, considering your need to claim everything. Well, she's human, and I say you let her decide who she wants to be with," Darui challenged. I could see the intensity radiating off of him. He is so adorable.

They both turned to me. "Well?" Kisame asked. "Who would you choose. That headache, or me, your husband?" I frowned as Kisame pulled the husband card. Of course I'd choose him. He was muscular, hot and very capable of taking care of himself. And...he was my _husband_... As for Darui...the boy was developed, but not like Kisame.

I looked back and forth and then snickered. "You're both assholes. If you really want me, you'll have a dance battle to settle this. Why are all of you ninja so clueless to how these go?" I asked bitterly. Dance battles never solved anything, but I've never seen either of them dance. It would be the perfect opportunity to do so. Plus, if they haven't by now figured out that I was just screwing with them, it was their dignity on the line here.

Kisame and Darui looked at each other. Their eyes met and they held an intense and hateful gaze before both of them groaned. I gasped as they both sulked over to each other and shook hands.

SHOOK! HANDS! I felt betrayal crawl up my chest. Did they just shake hands over me?! Me?! ME?! What assholes! I was worth _fighting_ for! I was worth _dying_ for!

"I hope you live an awful life and have bad things happen to you," Darui said kindly.

Kisame smiled slightly, but it was a bitter one. "Same."

And then with that Kisame yelled, "HAH!" and stepped on Darui's foot, then punched the kid in the face. As Darui was falling back Kisame quickly broke the younger boy's neck and kicked his dead body into a tree.

I screamed at the sight, while my hands slapped over my eyes. But it was too late. I couldn't unlook that. Kisame strutted over and slung me over his shoulder.

"You are a cruel woman, messing with that boy, and me," Kisame commented, strolling along in the forest. I could tell he was heading to the base.

I frowned deeply and felt tears form in my eyes. "What ever do you mean?"

Kisame grunted and sang, "Don't play dumb with me."

With that I sighed, and gave in, wiping the tears away. That kid's death was his own fault. "It was fun while it lasted... I can't believe you killed him!"

Kisame shrugged, making me yelp and cling tighter to him. "What else was I supposed to do? Let him live?"

"Yes!"

Kisame rolled his eyes, and smirked. "We both know why that would never work."

I took a large breath to yell at him, but his eyes slid up to me and the breath caught in my throat. I settled for a childish grunt instead. His steady and serious eyes almost seemed to burn into my soul, but he didn't seem mad.

"Don't think you won't be punished, Kashiki. I have a couple punishments in mind, and you'll absolutely hate them."

I squirmed in his grasp and let out a whine. "Kisame! No! Please."

All Kisame did was chuckled evilly, making dread wash over me. For the first time in a long time, I regretted screwing with people.

* * *

**This is her old Author's Note... :)**

**"****A/N:**_ In case you haven't noticed, this is purely random. I wrote this in a little bit of time. I'm not sure how long, considering I wasn't watching the clock, but you have got to love this. It may be random, but it's the most random fanfiction I've ever written. And I've written some weird stuff, in my opinion. Not only that, but the characters are...weird. Kisame and Darui. You really wouldn't expect that would you? If you haven't noticed, by the way, the title has nothing to do with the passage, mostly because when I first started writing this I was going to make it a very over dramatic, sappy, love thing. But it turned into something else, obviously. Anyway, I hope you liked it._

_-Twinkie216"_


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